||[Dec. 29th, 2007|09:57 pm]
Nothing is off limits
Hi. I'm new to posting here but have been watching for some time.
I've been in a 24/7 committed relationship with my Master for over 12 years.
I find this site reassuring, in that there are other like-minded folks. I have had as part of me, for as long as I can remember, age 3 or 4, the need to serve, be a slave, and to be used for a Male's pleasure. The most difficult part of this, has been in testing the waters, with any new partner I had. I was always open and upfront about my sexual and life desires with any partner, BUT I had never found a partner whose buttons/limits I didn't push/expand. Though I pushed my current Master's limits and he agreed I was often "sick", he believes "sick" is good. After 12 years, I can assume if he's still getting a hard-on, that my "sick" is still OK in his eyes.
But I've got a question that I wonder about. I have sort of this cyclic, what current sick-fuck scenario is in my mind when I get going. Get going in this way can either be 1) to get off/orgasm 2) to reach sub flight... which are two entirely different things to me, but if you're familiar than you'll understand. These cycles can last up to a couple of months and cross over with other themes.
Anyway, currently the theme of the month seems to be gagging, choking, typically from blow jobs, but also from breath play (either being strangled or just suffocated). Of course, he's not objecting to this latest obsession because every time he turns a corner I want him down my throat. We did play recently to the point in which I threw up and clean it up as I cleaned him off. He doesn't do so well with the throw up part, but it was so hot to me.
But I guess the questions is, do other people here go through this sort of cyclic, what gets them off for a period of time, then they sort of shift to a new mode?
Sometimes I will blatantly share these things with my Master, like this current one is obvious. Other times, I sort of keep them to myself.... he will often make a statement that he knows I'm going to one of my "dark corners" and will just leave it at that if he's fucking me or playing with me. There are some fantasies, that if I seem to share them, they seem to go away, and then I can't use them to go to my "dark corner". He generally respects this.
Anyway, I go through cycles with ass-fucking and ass-play and have been obsessed with this little video clip in recent days:
It's sort of a dolcett-like skewering. I love being ass fucked and throat fucked afterwards, having to clean up my mess.
I go through cycles with enema play, enema play coupled with fake pregnancy play, knife play, needle play, being stuff with various things.
I go really far if I am degraded, called names, debased, get pissed on.... This is one area that is difficult for him... not that he's not OK with it, he just forgets this in the heat of things a lot of the time. I can't seem to get it across enough that if I'm "you're worthless whore, piece of crap" you can do whatever you want to me.
Sometimes my dark corners are full of forced play with animals/electricity/true torture and often not quite legally accepted views that I won't post here.
I just wonder how others here work their thoughts into real play with their partners, if you keep things to yourself, if you're upfront with partners from the beginning?
Also, I can get off or get going unless, at the very least, my mind is in sick-fuck mode. I often look at traditional scenes of women running through a field of flowers, with soft music in the background, being loving caressed... and I wonder what the Hell is wrong with me. I've tried to leave it behind several times in my life, and I've settled on the idea that this is just who I am. This was in my persona long before it was even sexualized.. when I was a child... wanting to be tied up and tortured by neighborhood boys. It was also enhanced as a pre-adolescent, I was exposed to some very hot Nazi torture books while babysitting for a relative (great closet). I often wonder if there is some connection with this in my genes or if it was due to some exposure.
Regardless, it's led me to find the relationship I'm in, with a home with a fully outfitted hidden dungeon in the basement, as well as a certain small group of friends who are clued in (but don't truly get it).