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Cyclic sick-fuckedness [Dec. 29th, 2007|09:57 pm]
Nothing is off limits


[Current Mood |naughtynaughty]

Hi.  I'm new to posting here but have been watching for some time.

I've been in a 24/7 committed relationship with my Master for over 12 years.

I find this site reassuring, in that there are other like-minded folks.  I have had as part of me, for as long as I can remember, age 3 or 4, the need to serve, be a slave, and to be used for a Male's pleasure.  The most difficult part of this, has been in testing the waters, with any new partner I had.  I was always open and upfront about my sexual and life desires with any partner, BUT I had never found a partner whose buttons/limits I didn't push/expand.  Though I pushed my current Master's limits and he agreed I was often "sick", he believes "sick" is good.  After 12 years, I can assume if he's still getting a hard-on, that my "sick" is still OK in his eyes.

But I've got a question that I wonder about.  I have sort of this cyclic, what current sick-fuck scenario is in my mind when I get going.  Get going in this way can either be 1) to get off/orgasm   2) to reach sub flight... which are two entirely different things to me, but if you're familiar than you'll understand.  These cycles can last up to a couple of months and cross over with other themes.

Anyway, currently the theme of the month seems to be gagging, choking, typically from blow jobs, but also from breath play (either being strangled or just suffocated).  Of course, he's not objecting to this latest obsession because every time he turns a corner I want him down my throat.  We did play recently to the point in which I threw up and clean it up as I cleaned him off.  He doesn't do so well with the throw up part, but it was so hot to me.

But I guess the questions is, do other people here go through this sort of cyclic, what gets them off for a period of time, then they sort of shift to a new mode?

Sometimes I will blatantly share these things with my Master, like this current one is obvious.  Other times, I sort of keep them to myself.... he will often make a statement that he knows I'm going to one of my "dark corners" and will just leave it at that if he's fucking me or playing with me.  There are some fantasies, that if I seem to share them, they seem to go away, and then I can't use them to go to my "dark corner".  He generally respects this.

Anyway, I go through cycles with ass-fucking and ass-play and have been obsessed with this little video clip in recent days:
It's sort of a dolcett-like skewering.  I love being ass fucked and throat fucked afterwards, having to clean up my mess. 

I go through cycles with enema play, enema play coupled with fake pregnancy play, knife play, needle play, being stuff with various things. 

I go really far if I am degraded, called names, debased, get pissed on....   This is one area that is difficult for him... not that he's not OK with it, he just forgets this in the heat of things a lot of the time.  I can't seem to get it across enough that if I'm "you're worthless whore, piece of crap" you can do whatever you want to me.

Sometimes my dark corners are full of forced play with animals/electricity/true torture and often not quite legally accepted views that I won't post here.

I just wonder how others here work their thoughts into real play with their partners, if you keep things to yourself, if you're upfront with partners from the beginning?

Also, I can get off or get going unless, at the very least, my mind is in sick-fuck mode.  I often look at traditional scenes of women running through a field of flowers, with soft music in the background, being loving caressed... and I wonder what the Hell is wrong with me.  I've tried to leave it behind several times in my life, and I've settled on the idea that this is just who I am.  This was in my persona long before it was even sexualized.. when I was a child... wanting to be tied up and tortured by neighborhood boys.  It was also enhanced as a pre-adolescent, I was exposed to some very hot Nazi torture books while babysitting for a relative (great closet).  I often wonder if there is some connection with this in my genes or if it was due to some exposure.

Regardless, it's led me to find the relationship I'm in, with a home with a fully outfitted hidden dungeon in the basement, as well as a certain small group of friends who are clued in (but don't truly get it).

--vk's fssw

[User Picture]From: rubberheathen
2007-12-30 03:08 pm (UTC)
I get what you are saying. I too go through cycles of debauchery. My service includes being kept in chastity and it seems the longer I go between orgasms, the more I long to be used, debased, degraded and humiliated to greater depths. My Wife/Owner thinks I'm pretty sick at times so I have to be carefull how I approach her with my desires. Luckily we have a small network of friends who can be equally sick so when I'm feeling particularly deviant and dirty and she is not, we always have that option. However, I've really had to learn to open up about my desires and overcome my fears of rejection. I mean, I have some pretty twisted fantasies and ideas. Luckily she is very accepting and while she may not be interested in certain kinds of play, she doesn't think any less of me. There are certain desires that swing around from time to time that are pretty extreme that I haven't told her about, and I don't know if I ever will! I get pretty fixated and obsessed with them but usually a few hours with myself and I can satisfy the lust enough to hold me over for a while.

Part of our "contract" states that I need to indulge my dark and dirty side. This came about as a realization that if I don't, I get very cranky! It is all part of the realization and acceptance of the fact that I am sick, twisted and dirty! And quite frankly, I'm very ok with that!!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I wish sometimes that I had the opportunity to have discussions like this when I was younger so maybe it wouldn't have taken as long to come to terms with who I am.
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[User Picture]From: vks_fssw
2007-12-30 04:33 pm (UTC)
I often tell my Master I wish he would have found me when I was 14. It was in a bratty, exploration time in my life when I engaged in a lot of self-bondage and self-play. He would have had his work cut out for him, but it would have been an awesome time to have trained me. But there's that legality thing there. There is always the question of, could he have pulled it off. The idea of having been a kept slave, trained as he desired, having exposure to things that he wanted me to be exposed to before some of life's baggage piled on, having him educate me how he wanted; that may be my biggest fantasy to date. But you can't turn back time.
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[User Picture]From: rubberheathen
2007-12-31 03:17 am (UTC)
True. And I hear ya. I've often wondered too about how different things would have been had I been "found" when I was 19 and exploring San Francisco by myself. To have someone take you at such a young age and guide you and train you and let you know that you are ok. That would have been cool.
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From: tacosloveme
2007-12-30 03:50 pm (UTC)
I would also like to thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. It is lovely to hear another person's point of view. From what I always recall I enjoyed getting hit (hard by boys...I was very much a tomboy growing up), I wasn't aware what the feeling was at the time but kind of got off on the fact that maybe some girls were making fun of me, talking about me in the corner. That whole thing of degrading...it is hard to explain. Funny you make this entry but recently I had been thinking..."why or how did I get like this..." I am starting to think and accept that maybe I was born like this? I am not sure. What I do know is that most of the things that get me off the hardest are generally viewed as, "sick and or unnatural." I have told my boyfriend about 95% of the things that get me off. I have not mentioned cutting, period play, pissing or the whole impregnating thing...a few more things as well. The last thing I want to do is make him feel uncomfortable with me. I know there are things he gets off to that he hasn't told me. His excuse is, "I want to do these things to someone I can use and throw away, not with or to someone I love." This upsets me a little. 1) For not sharing a fantasy with me...(but I suppose that back fires because I have kept things from him...fantasy wise) and 2) I want to be your love AND servant.

Edited at 2007-12-30 03:52 pm (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: vks_fssw
2007-12-30 05:51 pm (UTC)
It's often difficult to figure out how to "test the waters" with people. Sometimes I would use humor, to throw out an idea and see if they would bite. Sometimes I might bring up some idea in a serious way, and judge from their facial expression that either this idea might be ok, or there's no chance in Hell for that one.

I went through a previous marriage in which I was upfront about my desires. After the wedding, I received the response, "I knew you were into this, I just didn't realize how much you were into it." Which led me to blurt out something during sex like, "you know when we're having sex, I'm not really here, I'm off in another place, with someone else, having things done to me." That marriage ended not because of this, but because I married someone who was not up to the responsibilities of owning someone. I now realize many submissives decide to serve, help, sometimes even fix someone they feel sorry for, and end up putting all their servitude in a bottomless pit.

Fortunately, I can tell my Master anything, mostly without receiving a grimace unless I do gross him out in some way. He's found enjoyment in enema play, knife play, needle play (things I never thought he would go for). I'll read a story or watch a video that I'll share with him, and often find he enjoys it as much as I do. I still hold a few of my fantasies to myself, just to have that dark corner to go to.

I have also dealt with the "I don't want to do that with someone I love/care about" attitude. I had one Dom in the past that wouldn't play with me unless I wouldn't look at him (and this wasn't a cast your eyes down sort of thing). He would say he couldn't do things to me, if he looked into my eyes. I finally said, just blindfold me.

Fortunately my Master doesn't have that attitude. Again, I pushed some of his buttons from the start. Now often he will in turn, surprise me when I'm not expecting it and take some of those button pushers and catch me off guard (and it's wonderful).

It's difficult when you're treading water carefully in order to not make your Dom uncomfortable, but what you're really wanting is for him to make you uncomfortable in many exciting ways. You're wanting to give them they key to get inside of your head, but you're not wanting them to run for cover when they discover what's in your head.
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